Day 176

And so I have begun the next leg of my Camino. A new part of the journey, and along with it, new things to experience and to learn. The time spent on my symbolic Meseta has come to a close. The hard part is over. Or is it? I guess it's all in my perception.

I think back to the beginning of what I consider to be my awakening, when I first caught a glimpse of my soul. I remember feeling relief. Finally! I've found that illusive path I'm "supposed" to travel. The rest is easy. I'll just follow this little trail, and nothing can go wrong ever again. Little did I know how that path would lead me through the depths of my being and out the other side. It wasn't easy AT ALL! It was difficult, frustrating and painful. There were tears, and there was heartbreak. There was loss, and there were disappointments.

And I'd do it all again.

At the very beginning of all of this, when things began to get tough, I tried to turn around. To go back to the day before I understood. Before I knew. But what they say is true. Once you have acknowledged that spark inside, it becomes a fire you can't put out. There is no turning back. There's only one way out, and that is to walk through it. What they don't tell you is that, after spending enough time in the dark, it becomes your place of comfort. There is solace in the dark. The work I did in there was for myself. It was private. In the dark, there was little, if any, accountability to anyone else. If I screwed up, it didn't matter. No one could see.

Now I stand on the edge of this new way of living - of BEING - and I realize, I'm scared! It's bright out here in the light. Everyone can see me. My work, instead of being for me, now becomes something to be shared with others. I resist the urge to, once again, try to turn around, to return to the safety of the darkness. Has my preparation been good enough? Am I good enough? Am I worthy of this light that shines on me, and through me? I can only trust that if the answers to these questions were no, then I wouldn't be standing here. My preparation has been good enough. I am good enough. And yes, I am worthy of this light. We are all worthy of the light.

I may be scared, but I've learned how to acknowledge that fear without letting it stop me. Fear, and all of the emotions associated with it, no longer control my life. I have so much to share. I have found my passion, and for that I am eternally grateful. Now that I have discovered the 'what', the 'how' will take care of itself. This part of the journey won't be without its tears and its heartbreak, but I have come to recognize them as my friends. Little symbols of how much I care and how much I give of myself. I'm ready to receive what this life has to offer. And in the receiving, to give it all back, knowing there's always more.

My heart is full and my knuckles are no longer white. I'd say that's a very good place to be.