Day 216

I bought a backpack. While this might not seem like a big deal to many of you, it's a HUGE deal to me. It made this very real. It was the first time I literally felt the weight of what is ahead. And I have to be honest, in some ways, I resented it.  I have been enjoying the process of unencumbering my life in order to do this thing. The more stuff I get rid of, the more weightless I feel. It's a good feeling, this lightening of my load. But don't forget, I recently asked to learn how to face discomfort rather than escape it. Instant manifestation. Ask, and you shall receive.

I walked into REI and asked to be fitted for a backpack. I told the guy what I was doing and he took it from there. He showed me what he felt was the perfect pack for what I needed. He told me all about the features and specifications, most of which went in one ear and out the other. Then he loaded it up with weight and strapped it on my back. As he tightened it and adjusted it, I was briefly reminded of the feeling I had when the skydiving instructor tightened my straps. Hmmm, this is getting a little uncomfortable. What I didn't know was that he was also still holding on to the pack with one hand. As soon as I started to feel a little better about the whole thing, he let go of the pack and I felt the full weight. I almost fell over backwards. Yes, it was a little embarrassing. Several experienced backpackers were in the area to witness it. I had to remind myself that they all had to start from the beginning at some point, and in reality, they were all very kind and supportive. Not one of them looked at me as if they thought I couldn't accomplish my goal. I was the only one left wondering that.

After I got my balance and found my center, he sent me on a lap around the store. Oh yeah, 17-1/2 pounds is heavy. When I finished the lap, he asked me how it felt and if I felt any discomfort. (No, the irony of that question did not escape me.) As we stood there talking, with the pack still on my back, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. This time, if I hadn't caught myself I would have fallen over sideways. I give the guy credit. He managed to be prepared to catch me and pretending not to notice all at the same time. That's a true professional right there. It was all I could do not to make more of a fool of myself by bursting into tears right there in the store. The reality of it all suddenly became almost too much to bear. This isn't just something I'm planning to do. I am doing this. The emotion that is carried with that realization is extremely powerful.

I don't know why I am walking the Camino, I just know I'm supposed to. That is very surreal. The purpose behind it is much greater than any earthly reason I could give it. The weight of that purpose is daunting, but it's not impossible to bear. I must remember to keep my focus. I can't do things the way I have done them in the past. Things are different now. I am different. I need to stay much more centered. Any little shift is noticeable, throwing me off balance, as I learn this new way of being. But it will get better with time and patience and perseverance. I will get used to the new weight. I will find my new balance. Small shifts will not send me reeling. But first I have to learn to face the discomfort. Feel the weight. Build up my strength to carry that weight. And soon, I will feel weightless again. Not because I have gotten rid of the weight, but instead because I have learned to carry it properly.

"The things you choose to take with you on a journey own you, not the other way around." ~Alex Moore, Spanish Teacher/Expedition Guru/Friend

"Attachment is the source of all suffering. To get rid of suffering, free yourself from attachment." ~The Buddha

"The Universe continues to remind me that it can, and should, be trusted." ~Me