Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Day 44

Last week I took a little time off. My intention was to complete an Isagenix 9-day total body cleanse in order to jump start the process of developing some healthier eating habits. During a cleanse, there's not a lot of energy left over for physical activity because the body is working so hard on the inside cleaning out all the toxins and eliminating them through the urine. When I am done with a cleanse, however, I always feel like I could take on the world - healthy and rejuvenated.

But this time, I didn't finish the cleanse. On Wednesday of last week, my dog Roxy had sudden, complete and irreversible kidney failure, possibly due to antifreeze poisoning by a neighbor. I raised Roxy from the time she was born. In fact, she was the runt of a litter of 11 puppies our dog Abby gave birth to 11 years ago. Roxy almost didn't make it back then and I ended up bottle-feeding her back to health. The bond was formed and when it came time to find homes for the rest of the puppies, there was no way she was going anywhere. She was a good dog. And now she's gone. When I submitted my request to the Universe to help me figure out what to do with my dogs in order to continue with my major life changes, that's not what I meant. I'm honestly feeling a little guilty as if that's the reason it happened. Was it necessary for Roxy to sacrifice her life for mine? I'm struggling with that one right now. But I'm trying to Let Go.

As with so many other things in my life for the past few years, the Letting Go seems to have come at such a painful price. I am making the changes that are needed in my life in order to move towards my true self. These decisions aren't always easy. I am following through on what I set out to do. I am choosing the "what", and simply trusting that the "how" will take care of itself. But it seems, especially with the more difficult choices, that the ultimate decisions have been taken from me in some pretty harsh ways. It makes me fear making other major life choices because the consequences are so severe if I don't immediately act on my intention. Yes, in the end, I always get what I asked for. But isn't it possible for the angels to send a few rewards my way for a job well done? A little positive reinforcement for making the conscious choice to co-create my life, instead of a constant barrage of what feels like punishment for setting my intention, but not following up with action quickly enough. Frankly I'm a little pissed, and I know I need to change that or I'll just get more of what I'm pissed about, which scares me and sends me back into making choices based on fear. AAAAAHHHHHHH! It's a vicious cycle.

Today, I got back out on a 5-mile walk. The wind had shifted enough to clear out the smoke from the nearby High Park Fire. As I walked, I could see the huge plume of smoke billowing off the mountain. So many acres and so little containment. It seems hopeless, but it's not. The firefighters will eventually extinguish this fire and room will be made for new growth in place of what has been destroyed. Sometimes a fire is fought with water, and sometimes a fire is fought with more fire. Intentionally start a controlled fire. Burn out the rest of the fuel in the path of the raging wildfire, then let the winds of change turn the fire back in on itself. With nowhere else to go and nothing else to burn, it burns itself out. And the new growth begins. Wow, that sounds familiar.

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me through seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom goes on as fruit." ~Dawna Markova