Monday, November 26, 2012

Day 210

Can I be honest here?

"Oh no, Callea, we'd much rather you lie to us."

Yeah, I know. I promised complete honesty, so here it is. True terror has begun to take hold. Now more than ever, the support of my friends is critical. So if you have a little extra to hand out, send it my way. This is getting more and more real as the days tick by. I still feel that it is right. I feel it to the depths of my soul. But the piece of me living here in this world has my doubts. OK, now that we have that out of the way. Moving on.

Recently I had the opportunity to put some closure on a fairly painful part of my life. With that came immense healing. The best part of it all was that, although I was terrified to take that step, I did what I knew in my heart was right. I trusted the Universe to make a way out of no way. And in it's Infinite Wisdom, it delivered. I believe it was a symbol for what is to come. Do what feels right and the way will be provided. The Way. El Camino.

As I look back over my life, I think of all the times I re-invented myself. I swear I've led more lives than Madonna, although none of them quite as exciting, I'm sure. I've always been the resilient type. When one thing no longer serves me, I'm on to the next. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. Remember the experience I wrote about in the airplane before my second skydive? Day 125? It was much easier for me to leap out into the unknown that day than it would have been for me to remain in the airplane and experience a little discomfort. I have to say that speaks volumes to my commitment, or lack thereof. It worries me that I'll get to Spain, all high on the adventure, but at the first sign of discomfort, I'll start looking for a way out. And there WILL be discomfort. No doubt about it. Being there all alone, who will talk me off the ledge when I'm ready to quit? Me? Wow, if that's the case, I could be in trouble. I'm much better at motivating myself and others to accept change. I'm not so great at the pep talks that include sticking with it no matter what.

And so, my goal over the next 5 months is to work on my ability to face up to challenges, to feel that discomfort. Wow, what am I saying? Too late, I already put it out there. Be careful what you ask for. It's not all wine and roses, as they say. I can do this. I want to do this. And it is the right thing to do. Keep reminding me of that.

"A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey,
But a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong." ~Unknown