Sunday, January 13, 2013

Day 258

Surprise! I'm back. I had all the best intentions to post a blog on New Year's Day, waxing poetic about the end of 2012, the year I planned to walk the Camino, and the beginning of 2013, the year I AM walking the Camino, but things don't always turn out as planned. At the end of last year, I had been receiving a message that I had chosen to ignore. I ignored the message right up until God hit me over the head with it. Literally.

On New Year's Eve, I met some friends in Ft. Collins. We were walking down the street. It was cold, so I had my hands in the pockets of my coat. I tripped on the sidewalk and fell face first, unable to get my hands out of my pockets quickly enough to break the fall. I hit my head very hard, but luckily I didn't lose consciousness or break anything. The next few days were a bit of a fog, so needless to say, I didn't get any writing done. A head injury can cause mood changes, and I'll attest to that first-hand. All the amazing positivity I had gained recently was wiped out in an instant. It feels like starting from square one. It's like I've forgotten how to focus on the good. But, I will say, I am immensely grateful that more damage wasn't caused, so that in itself is focusing on the good. Things are looking up.

In this Camino journey, everything has meaning. It's up to me to watch for the signs, and to recognize them for what they are. At times, others help me to translate. It's as if I'm already in Spain. I may understand most of what is written on the sign, but there are those few words I still need help with that will make the entire message clear. In this case, a woman I barely knew, mentioned to me that this accident was a sign to watch my step. Pay attention. Be alert. I wish I could remember exactly what she said, but unfortunately I was still in the daze of the concussion and the full memory of our conversation is gone. But the feeling of the message remained. The words themselves are not important.

There is still much to do before May 1. In just 3 short months, I will move my stuff into storage. I will be homeless at that point, relying on the kindness and generosity of friends and family until I leave for Spain. It will be good to feel so unencumbered. To know the true meaning of "Let Go, To Receive". Those words, divinely inspired, that meant so much I tattooed them on my wrists. A constant reminder of what this is all about, written there before I knew I was doing this. Many things in my life, or should I say everything in my life has led up to this journey.

A memory came to me the other day of that question I had when I left the Stanley, "Who will I be without the Stanley?' I felt so lost without that part of my life to define me. As I remembered that, suddenly I thought, "Well, then, who will I be without the Camino? What happens when it's over?" It caused a momentary panic. Oh NO! Have I once again immersed myself in something to the point that I have let it define me? Will I be lost without it? And then I knew that those two things, both such an important and beloved part of my story, never defined me. They simply took their place in my heart and contributed to the person I am. Neither experience can be taken away. Healing comes full circle.

I will always have the Stanley.

I will always have the Camino.

"You worry too much. I've got this. Remember?" ~God