Day 220

I started out my day with a lecture. A brief and friendly lecture, but a lecture just the same.

"Callea, you KNOW this. I know you know this."

Yes, that's how Spanish class began. And Alex is right. I do know the stuff he's asking me to do. I just can't seem to convince myself of that fact. I am blessed with a brain that allows me to learn new things very quickly. I am cursed with the expectation that if I can't leap over the learning curve and go directly from A to Z, then I'm not doing well. So while I may be progressing from A to B to C at a rapid pace in someone else's terms, it still feels slow to me. Because of that, I keep telling myself that I'm failing. And when I fail at things, I give up and move on to something else. Yep, it's that whole jump out of the airplane to escape the discomfort of the inability to breathe. Luckily I have a teacher that understands this side of me, and is able to encourage me to face the discomfort and stick with it. He's not afraid to make me uncomfortable, but always knows exactly when to step in to help when I get too overwhelmed. Not many teachers in my past have had that ability. I am extremely grateful for that. And so, much like the day at the Stanley Hotel when I cried after I bombed my first tour, I have 2 choices. I can figure this out or I can quit. Well, I'm not quitting.

After class, Alex asked me if there was anything he could do to help. He assured me that, from his point of view, I was doing very well and that I needed to be a little easier on myself.  While I appreciate that, I know it's on me to change this. Not necessarily the rate at which I'm learning Spanish, but my perception of the rate at which I'm learning Spanish. I need to change how I talk to myself. If I feel like I am failing and I continue to tell myself that I am, the Law of Attraction will draw more perceived failures my way. Lately I have been practicing almost instant manifestation of the things I need in my life, without even trying. And really, I'm doing the same here too. The problem is, I'm attracting what I don't want in this case. It's time to find the way to flip that switch, even if that means going back to the beginning. When I first learned to practice the Law of Attraction, I needed visual reminders to keep me focused on what I wanted to manifest, to remind me to feel as if it's already a part of my physical reality. I told Alex that I would have to come up with the right affirmation to tape to my mirror, so I could be reminded of it every day. As I left, I asked the Universe for what I needed. The perfect reminder.

When I got home, I decided to go for a hike. I had no intention of adding altitude today. I was just planning to add a little more distance, trying to get more comfortable with the new weight I've been carrying. The fact that I ended up at the trail head of a 5 mile hike in the hills was simply divine intervention. I have done this hike before, without any weight, and it's not easy in places. I have no idea why I suddenly believed I could accomplish this, way ahead of schedule, but somehow I knew I would. The first part of the trail is a gentle incline, but not far in, the altitude begins to rise much more steeply and doesn't level off until you reach the top. I had to stop several times to catch my breath. The added weight was making a difference, but I wasn't going to let it keep me from finishing. About half way up, a guy, obviously an experienced hiker waved and smiled as he blazed past me on trail. As I continued my slow but determined ascent, I saw him coming back down, having already made it to the top. He gave me another friendly smile and a wave, and I jokingly said, "You're lapping me!" And do you know what he said to me? That stranger I met briefly on a trail. He said, "Hey, you're doing great!"

That's it! That's exactly what I need to tell myself. It's so simple. I need to be as kind to myself as the stranger had been.

Hey, Callea, you're doing great.

"Be miserable, or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice." ~Wayne Dyer.