Day 293

Since you last heard from me, this adventure has gotten really real. I bought my airplane ticket to Madrid. I've also booked a hotel in Madrid for 2 nights so I can recover from jet lag and see the sights for a day. I have a train ticket to Pamplona and a bus ticket to Roncesvalles, France. From there I'll take a taxi to my starting point in St. Jean Pied-du-Port (SJPP). In SJPP, I have a reservation for my first official night as a pilgrim on the Camino de Santiago. The refuge is called L'Esprit du Chemin, or The Spirit of the Path. I received an email from them today asking me to come directly to the refuge upon arrival so they can welcome me with open arms. Seriously. That's really what they said.

And to think I almost missed the wonderful experience awaiting me in SJPP. Let me tell you a little about what happened. I got scared. Plain and simple. Then I began to doubt myself, and my ability to make the climb through the Pyrenees. I had pretty much made up my mind to begin my Camino on the other side of the mountains in Pamplona, but I had found an "acceptable" excuse. I started telling myself I didn't want the hassle of crossing into France. I'm very good at lying to myself that way and I can be very convincing. So let me get this straight. I'm about to be within a few kilometers of France and I don't want the hassle of crossing the border? Really? Come on, Callea, get real. Be honest.

While struggling with this decision one morning, I arrived at Spanish class. I just wasn't myself. I know Alex could tell there was something wrong. In fact at one point, he turned to catch me wiping a tear from my eye.

"Algo en tú ojo?" he asked in Spanish. Something in your eye?

"Si."

"OK, en inglés. What's going on?"

He brought me the whole box of tissues and the waterworks began. We talked about my feeling that I wasn't prepared. We talked about the people who I have allowed to get in my head with their doubts. Not my doubts, theirs. We talked about how it was all connected to my own doubts about learning Spanish. I think it's so easy to believe those who wonder if I can really do this thing, because inside I agree with them. He even asked me if I had a physical ailment which I had failed to inform him about. I'm pretty sure that part was thinly veiled sarcasm. Just a feeling I have. He reminded me that I can do this by taking one step at a time. I might not be the fastest, but I will get there. I'm not sure if he was talking about the Camino or Spanish at that point. Probably both. And then he said the one thing I really needed to hear.

"No matter what happens, you will be taken care of."

Why do I doubt that? It has already happened on countless occasions throughout this journey. Amazing, miraculous things have arrived in my life, reminding me that God believes in, and supports, my ability to do this. If GOD believes in me, shouldn't I?

On a side note, I'm going to try to post more often. To be honest, I've gotten a little discouraged by the lack of response to my last few posts. But what I've realized is that this is really for me. I love going back and reading my previous entries. If no one reads this blog but me, that's OK. If only one person reads it and feels inspired in some way, even better. But if you are reading it, and you have some words of inspiration to offer me, please, please, please do. It's crunch time people. The big game is moments away. I can do this on my own, but it's so much easier with help along the way.

WALK SLOWLY by Danna Faulds

It only takes a reminder to breathe,
a moment to be still, and just like that,
something in me settles, softens, makes
space for imperfection. The harsh voice
of judgment drops to a whisper and I
remember again that life isn't a relay
race; that we will all cross the finish
line; that waking up to life is what we
were born for. As many times as I
forget, catch myself charging forward
without even knowing where I'm going,
that many times I can make the choice
to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk
slowly into the mystery.