Day 339

In exactly one month from today, I'll be taking a train from Madrid to Pamplona, a bus from there to Roncesvalles and a taxi the rest of the way into St. Jean Pied-du-Port, where the next day I will officially begin this journey I started a year ago. Not long ago, I woke up knowing that it was time to figure out why I am walking the Camino de Santiago. It was no longer good enough to just say, "I don't know." I realized that while it's OK to go with the flow, there needs to be a purpose directing it. The trick is to direct the flow without restricting it, ultimately giving it more power. Much like a fire hydrant. If you open it up and just let the water flow, it goes everywhere, but accomplishes nothing. But hook a fire hose onto it, direct the power of that flow of water onto a burning building, and suddenly the water has a purpose. The water hasn't changed. It just has a direction.

I have to say that I was enjoying the "I don't know" part of all of this. I had no responsibility to live up to anything. No goal in mind. No goal to reach, but also no goal to miss. In a way, I think I believed that meant if I didn't succeed, it wouldn't matter as much. But no goal = no intention. My Camino deserves to be undertaken with intention. I didn't want to force a purpose on myself. Most importantly, I didn't want to feel that this purpose came from my mind rather than from my soul. I knew that, when the time was right, the purpose would reveal itself to me. And so, I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it, or even meditating on it. I just put it in the back of my mind and I waited.

Last night, I was talking with my friend Sandiee. We both seem to be on a parallel path, though not at all the same path. We are experiencing many similar challenges and many similar victories. I can see her over there walking her path, and she can see me over here walking mine, but we are each walking alone. This has been incredibly powerful for each of us. Knowing that there is someone who understands fully what the other is experiencing helps to take the loneliness away. Our talks always reveal amazing insights that seemingly come from nowhere, but are obviously divinely inspired. Last night, as we talked about something totally unrelated, the purpose of my Camino was revealed to me. It was a blinding moment of inspiration. My head began to spin, I got the goosebumps and tears sprang to my eyes. I could barely focus. I may have even interrupted her when I said, "Oh my God. I know why I'm walking the Camino."

The ironic thing is, once I figured it out, I realized I'd been receiving hints all along the way. Many things I have written about in this blog from the beginning were hints to myself. All my life I have been very good at the leap from A to Z. See the big picture, don't focus on the details. In my learning style, as I've mentioned before, I have always been able to leap the learning curve, right up until I began learning Spanish. I had to learn how to learn step-by-step. I tend to procrastinate at things, not handling the little things as they come up, but instead waiting until I am at the edge of the cliff to take action. With this trip, I've had to learn how to prepare step-by-step. Just the other day, in Spanish class (I really need to start calling it Camino class, by the way), Alex asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was overwhelmed by all I had coming up in the next few weeks. He immediately went to the board and began breaking it down into steps. Suddenly it felt more manageable Another time, when I had a mini breakdown in class, thinking I might cut my trip short by starting on the other side of the Pyrenees, he reminded me that I might not be the fastest to get over those mountains, but that I would, indeed, get there. He then wrote me a simple note that said, "Enjoy the steps you are taking to get there." Step-by-step.

I am walking the Camino de Santiago in order to learn to take things step-by-step.

It seems like such a small thing, but yet, it is huge. The leap from A to Z takes away the joy and the lessons of B and C and D... It's time to learn how to slow down and enjoy the steps. While I am more than capable of taking the big leaps, I need to learn to take the small steps. Ironically, the small steps feel more scary to me than the big leaps. But I will get there.

Step-by-step.

"The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step." ~Lao Tzu