Day 19

I am on the fast-track to stepping out of my comfort zone.

Before I talk about the event I attended at Poasttown Elementary School in Middletown, Ohio, I wanted to answer a question that has been asked a lot.This past weekend several people asked me what my training for the Camino involves. Mostly it's a lot of walking. I plan to take about 6 months to get my endurance up and increase my distance, with the ultimate goal to be comfortable walking 10 miles at a time. After that I'll start wearing the loaded pack to increase strength along with the endurance. But all the physical training in the world will never take the place of the need to get my mind in the right place. I talked about mental toughness in an earlier blog. The daily workout for that is my top priority.

In addition to the training, it's necessary to prepare in other ways. My lease expires at the end of this month, so today I let my landlord know that I would like to sign another lease through April 30, 2013. After that I will be homeless while I walk the Camino. I'll need to get rid of most of my personal possessions during this coming year. The few things I keep will go into storage while I'm gone. I will also soon begin the process of finding homes for my animals, which will not be easy for me, but it's all part of Letting Go. I have confidence I will find them all good homes where they will be happy and loved. I wouldn't offer them any less.

And now, let's get to the event on Saturday with Into the Dark Media. It was another life-changing experience. Wow! Two in one weekend. Can I even handle all that excitement? When I originally agreed to give a lecture, I was working at the Stanley Hotel. I would be attending on behalf of the hotel. That would be a piece of cake. I could talk about the Stanley all day long and most of the night, with one hand tied behind my back AND my eyes closed. But, as most of you know, that was not meant to be. When everything happened with the Stanley, I immediately contacted Steve and Shawn to let them know and to ask if they still wanted me to do a lecture. I mean, really, what would I talk about? They assured me that I was still very much wanted at the event, so I better get my butt there with no excuses.

Before I left the Stanley, I had contemplated the question, "Who am I without the Stanley Hotel?" That's a pretty serious question, if you think about it. Even when I separated from my husband after 13 years, I never asked that question. I knew who I was separate of my relationship from him, but in this new world in which I had found myself, I was immersed in my role at the hotel. I guess I had lost myself in it. To the point that, when I left the hotel, people were worried that I had no job. No one knew I had a whole life outside the Stanley. I didn't even know that.

So I began working on a lecture about some of the things I had been thinking about in the paranormal. Some more radical, less mainstream ideas about what I believe is going on. Things that I was not able to fully share when representing the hotel on a professional basis. The more I thought about what I would talk about, the more excited I got. And, the more nervous I got as well. Would anyone care what I had to say now that I wasn't telling the same old ghost stories of the legendary Stanley Hotel? Would they hate my theories? Worse, would they be apathetic to them?

For the lecture, I had written out old-fashioned note cards to keep me on track, since a PowerPoint presentation wasn't an option. I was worried that the note cards would make me look like an amateur. I was also concerned I didn't have enough material to fill my hour. Finally I told myself, "Take this leap. Find out who you are and if you have anything to offer. Or don't. But quit whining about it." And then I decided to jumped out of a plane. The skydive uncorked the fear that had kept my emotions bottled up for so many years. That was a side effect I didn't expect. Without the fear, keeping them stuffed down deep inside, they were all there, waiting to be released.

As I began the lecture, I let everyone know I was a little nervous, and that I was still feeling a little tender about the recent circumstances of my departure from the Stanley. And then I began to cry. Someone spoke from the back of the room. I'm not sure who, but whoever you are, I owe you a huge debt of gratitude. "Let Go," they said. Let go. I took a deep breath. I found my courage and my big girl panties, and I continued. This time, I told MY story, not the story of that hotel I still love so much. And you know what? People wanted to hear it. They were interested. They opened their minds and their hearts to what I had to say. They opened their hearts to me. Me. Just Callea.

I found out who I am without the Stanley Hotel. I am a kind, caring, genuine person. I have things to say that people want to hear. I deserve to feel this way. And while I am grateful to the Stanley Hotel for the opportunities I had - without them I don't know that I would have ever been brave enough to speak publicly - I am thankful I am no longer there. I don't mean that in a spiteful way. I just know that now is my time to fly. For me, not for them. It's my time.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt