Day 26

Today was a tough day. Just out of the blue. I had no idea what was even bothering me. I decided that it would be a good time to not only take a walk, in spite of the way I was feeling, but to also add on the extra mile for the week, two days early. All I hoped to accomplish was getting the physical part of the walk out of the way, no mental or emotional work today. I wasn't in the mood. In fact, I turned my headphones up extra loud to try to drown out any "love and light" that might try to sneak through in the form of an inspirational thought that could ruin my perfectly good bad day. It didn't work. It was as if all the right songs were just standing in line waiting to offer me the next important piece of information I needed to hear.

I began to notice that I had let doubt creep in. What the hell am I doing? What makes me think I can walk 500 miles? Why am I even trying? Give up. Come on, stupid, give up. What am I trying to prove anyway? And then I remembered a story I told last weekend about the first portion of the tour I ever gave at the Stanley. It was bad. No, seriously. Really bad. I was terrified. I had never been comfortable speaking in public, and this time was no different. When my portion was over and the regular tour guide took over, I headed to the bathroom. I sat down in a stall. And I cried. What the hell am I doing? What makes me think I can be a tour guide? Why am I even trying? Give up. Come on, stupid, give up. What am I trying to prove anyway?

At that moment, I had a decision to make. I could push past the fear and figure it out. Or I could quit. There was no shame in either choice. Well, I didn't quit back then, and this time I won't quit either. I can do this thing. In fact, I AM doing this thing. I have a long way to go before I'm ready, physically or mentally, but I had a long way to go when I decided to stay at the Stanley too. I've proven that I can exceed my own expectations, and that's all that really matters. This is for me.

And for the record, I also figured out where all the crazy emotions were coming from today. When I jumped out of the plane, I felt a really clogged energy channel burst free. Things I had been holding inside for years, because they were too difficult to deal with, started to surface. I felt it happen, and I automatically began trying to bottle them back up. But just like the cork on a champagne bottle, you just can't plug it back up. It's time to let this stuff go. And this is some really OLD stuff. I remember when I was first attuned to Reiki, the Reiki master told me I would experience 9 days of uncomfortable energy, as everything cleared out. All I needed to do was acknowledge the feelings, accept them as having been a part of where I've come from, then let them go. And so, I am letting go. It may not be comfortable, but it will be very freeing. And when it's done, it's finally and forever done.

This is for me.

My little friend the grasshopper leaped into my path today to remind me to be the first to jump towards new horizons.

And, that's the best I've got for today.

See you all when the horizons look brighter.