Day 31

I made it a whole month! That's longer than I have ever followed through with anything. Seriously, things have changed for me, and when I say I'm doing something it means I AM doing something!

Today was my longest walk yet. I hit a wall about half way. Which means I was as far away from home as I could get. But I walked right into that wall with no fear, no regrets. And as I did, I felt an explosion. A splintering apart of all the doubts I've been feeling lately. I suppose some might try to explain it as the endorphins that are released with physical activity, a so-called "runners high", but for me, it was a release.

I have been practicing mindful walking at times on the trail. This is a type of meditation used by Buddhist monks. It's necessary to feel each sensation in your body as you take a step, each footfall, each breath. Through this I have realized that there is some fear inside of me that I need to let go. I notice as I walk my shoulders are hunched up under my ears. I remember at the start of each and every ghost hunt I led at the Stanley, I would ask everyone to take a deep breath and drop their shoulders down from under their ears. "They aren't going to protect you there," I'd say. Many would laugh and wonder how I knew. I knew because when I'm scared I do it too. And so, I recognize it as a fear-based response. Something I need to work on. There is no room for fear in this process.

More and more things are coming to mind that I need to research about this walk. Yes, I fully believe that if I worry about the what, the how will take care of itself, but I'm thinking part of the how is listening to these things that pop into my head. I'm reminded of the man who drowns in a flood. When he gets to heaven, he asks God why he didn't help him and God replies that he sent him several men in boats and each one was refused with the statement, "God will rescue me". These thoughts are my boats. My way to navigate the waters of this unfamiliar journey I've started. It's necessary to pay attention. To participate in my own rescue.

I'm walking over 5 miles a day now. This may not seem like a lot to some of you, but to me, it's huge. I really did get off the couch to do this thing. I remember on May 1, walking barely 2 miles and thinking I might die. I've come a long way, with a long way to go. One step at a time. Right on track. Well. And sometimes off track, just for fun.

The robin was my animal totem today, In fact, the robin has appeared on several of my walks and only today seemed insistent that I mention her. The robin symbolizes new growth, a belief in yourself and a reminder that when you do, obstacles will fall by the wayside. I'm glad I took the time to notice.

"The shell must break before the bird can fly." ~Lord Tennyson